We flew so high
then, crashed into that wall.
Here, take my bloodied wing
it’s torn but it’ll work.
Only one of us can fly away now
so go, dear one.
Go far far away.
[I’ll find my freedom in yours]
I have nothing more to say.
Things weren’t as bad as i’d feared, although the encounters with db and jp are best forgotten. Amb was nice enough to cheer me up, and reminded me of the importance of being aware of the socio-economic discourse, and my acknowledgement of the sacrifices and consequences of my participation. It’s scary to know that I go into all of this fully aware that, to put it in mildly dramatic tones, most of the people here have sold their souls and not a few ideals. But what is the respect from others worth, if it is a respect predicated largely on the acquisition of material goods?
After meeting the people who run the show at s&t, i know i’m not cut out for all that nonsense. All those egos are something i can do without. Learning the truth about DQ also left me feeling sad. But it’s better to know early on right now, then to have to find out in a moment when they would have really mattered.
The past few days have been very exciting, tiring and challenging. I loved being in a suit again. Contrary to what some people think, i don’t believe that a suit stifles your individuality. There’s something very attractive in the silhouette of a person wearing a well-cut, pressed, sharp suit. I loved being so busy that I didn’t have time to worry about meals. I loved getting out of this town and being in a different environment, and being able to imagine that I was back home in Japan, outsider but yet not so.
Met Af there. Should I have done something the third time? It’s too late for regrets now, but Af was my type: super-confident (even with a hint of arrogance), ambitious, tall, east asian, older. Perhaps we shall meet again.
The start of another week. Now i go into the last stretch of the semester a little weary, a little wiser, battle-scarred but still alive. I know that I’m going to end up somehow linked to ib but not through s&t. We’ll see how everything goes.
on the way to banging my head against the wall, i realized that i didn’t have to fight that way. and that if all this is really such a struggle, then maybe this isn’t for me. it should be fun, exciting, something i can’t wait to do. and not the opposite. i’ve had my kick of getting the callbacks. time to quit the games, and just chill. not in a bad way, but just in a be-your-self kinda way, because that’s what really important in the end. and you never know where the road takes you, and it might be a harder but oh -happier- path. so i’ll place my wish on that falling star, and live in the moment, and not worry too much. hell i’ve spent some three billion seconds worrying when i could have been living and laughing. silly child.
I escaped a little this weekend. It’s amazing what beauty in the form of amazing cinematography, a haunting soundtrack and the emoting of human pain can do for the soul. Although the pacing of the plot got suspect after the last third of it, Ijuksa was very well-written, well-acted and well-produced as a whole. Damn, my mascara ran.
비오빠, 사 랑해 (*-*)
The work is back, but now I’m ready for it.
If I had allowed myself to take that step, I guess I would have become a bulimic. Now I just feel sick. I don’t ever want to look at chocolate or anything resembling food for the next few days. Must find a better way to relieve stress -_-
1) Found out that Tom (that annoying housemate) is seriously weird, and that my landlord thinks so too. Tom basically accused C and me (or our friends) of stealing his “expensive micronmeter” (whatever the hell that thing is???). Come on, dude, we don’t even care to look at you, do you seriously think we are gonna even bother with entering your room to take some Unknown Object? Although I am pretty sure he would love to enter our rooms -_- C and I were livid. I talked to my landlord, who assured us that she did not believe Tom – because he told her that he wasn’t even sure if he had lost it. What sort of game is he trying to play? I don’t like unnecessary violence, but I’m quite happy to re-arrange his face if he annoys me further.
2) Being absent-minded, I lock myself out of my room. Landlord can’t find the spare keys. Tom offers to “pry open” the door by chipping at the doorframe. Landlord dryly declines offer of “carpentry.” I nearly die trying to stop myself from bursting into impolite laughter. We call the locksmith. I was expecting an overweight plumber sketchy-looking sort in blue overalls but the guy who comes is totally slender and preppy, with an easy rakish charm. Think young hip college professor. I fall in love (must be the white knight effect). Knight-locksmith-faux professor unlocks my door in 3 minutes. Cool.
3) Had a really long conversation with Des. When he is not in the throes of Megu-mania, he is quite a nice guy. He tells me to go for it – thank you 
I’m feeling much better now. The rant was carthatic. Plus the landlord’s organic mint tea was totally delicious.
为什么是那么的不公平呢？
为什么要有责任感的必须是我呢？
为什么每一次都是我？
我也会累的。
It makes me so angry, so freaking angry. I hate helplessness, and loathe even more the feigned helplessness or that sheer irresponsible attitude of yours, predicated on the assumption that when things fall part I will be there to pick the pieces up for you. Or even worse, that they will do it.
Grow up, will you? My maternal instincts extend only to the genuinely helpless children and women of societies in which they have no speaking voice and little social power – where an inflow of funds channelled to the right organization and the creation of an infrastructure providing education does truly uplift and liberate human lives. I am tired of taking care of things, I am tired of this. My life is not a novel of yours, to create and edit at your whimsy. I respected you once, but you will have to earn that respect now.
Stop being so plastic. Beautification is fine, but obsession is not. Splurging on frivolous products and then claiming penury is really not acceptable. Don’t make people have to pick up after you, as you run along life like the undisciplined child you have shown yourself to be. I used to think that you were liberated in a way that I never was, but today I saw that your fetters were there too – but only deeper beneath.
*
To Ae.
Discovering myself fashioned by discourses I did not shape, and tired of all the binaries people create. Stop this play of words, I want to tell you, but the knowledge you feed me is like a terrible drug that clears my vision, sharpens it so terribly well that I finally understand the truth, the game, and my status as a pawn. I have been manipulated most of my life by the ignorant, the scheming, the power-hungry, and it is sad that there is little to do about it, because the apparatuses of power are too large and fearful for one person to confront.
I am a prisoner, enthralled by your lessons; words and words by foreign minds in foreign tongues which begin to free me. But mine, for now, are of helpless rage, on the unreal white page of cyberspace.
update: no, Unnie, I wasn’t writing about you. So, chill.
I love Manhattan!
Met up with old friends for shopping, karaoke and izakaya (Kenka is better than Taisho) and had a lot of fun, the first time I was totally able to relax this semester.
You can take the girl out of the city, but you can’t take the city out of the girl.
…
You will hear that she has left the country, that there was a gift she wanted you to have, but it is lost before it reaches you. Late one night the telephone will sing, and a voice that might be hers will say something you cannot interpret before the connection crackles and is broken.
Several years later, from a taxi, you will see someone in a doorway who looks like her, but she will be gone by the time you persuade the driver to stop. You will never see her again.
Whenever it rains you will think of her.
- Neil Gaiman, “Fragile Things”
About two weeks away, I know.
I had dinner with MK today and they were already planning what they would wear. They want to go as “icons”. M is really keen to use that Angelina Jolie-esque dress that she has, while K wants to go as Posh Spice. I pointed out that Posh’s most notable accessory is David Beckham, and we all agreed that the quality of the campus eye candy means that this part of the roleplay cannot be fulfilled.
I want to go in a visual-kei inspired outfit, but MK are really keen on me doing a Dita Von Teese. It’s a little disturbing how they have single-mindedly and unconsciously adopted these Western notions of beauty as a benchmark. I think that Asian women are equally graceful and beautiful (think Maggie Cheung and all those wonderful cheongsams). Then again, are my perceptions influenced by the exoticization of the East from Western viewpoints?
Nonetheless, Dita Von Teese is gorgeous (although I don’t understand the Marilyn Manson part -sigh-). I really like her photoshoot with Charlotte Johansson in October’s Flaunt.
